Friday, 4 September 2009

Nervous Excitement

I'm on this dating website. I signed up ages ago and then went on it when a reminder popped up in my inbox. I'm not really gung ho about it - set up a profile and then just answer those who messaged me. I've never done this before and I'm a bit ambivalent about the whole thing. One part of me really wants to meet someone and loves the flirting and the other screams 'no, stay in this lovely cocoon.'

Anyway, there's one person who I've been messaging for a few weeks now who seems really lovely. We have a lot of the same interests - travel, theatre, art and have even been to a few of the same countries. We've been messaging each other pretty much every day.

W messaged me last weekend, asking whether I'd seen the new Almodovar film. An exchange later ended with me saying I wasn't in London for the weekend and getting the reply that it didn't matter, W would wait for me to return. I think that was being asked out! ;-0

I was really torn as to what to answer. On the one hand, I really want to have lost some weight before I start dating people - especially those I've not met before. I just assumed with this dating website that it would take a couple of months before you ended up actually meeting anyone face to face. It's one thing going on a date with someone who's seen you and knows what you look like. I'm just so worried (because my profile photo, naturally, is a good one and I don't look at all overweight in it) that the person I've arranged to meet will take one look at me and think, 'help.' I don't know if I'm overreacting and anyway, who cares what some people who are so shallow as to do that think. You want someone to like you for you right, not necessarily automatically dismiss you because you're 40 pounds overweight? But...

So I was going to message back saying that I was busy, knowing a few weeks holiday was coming up for them (with the hope of losing more weight by then) but got an email this afternoon saying W had a free tickets for the theatre tomorrow night and sorry about the late notice but was I interested? Usually, I'd have plans for Sat night but I've tried to keep this weekend pretty clear - just to relax and finally get to the gym. Before I could think about it (plus it's a play I want to see and it's a free ticket! ;-) ), I replied yes.

So, it's the two of us and some friends. The plan is for the two of us to meet for an early dinner beforehand and then join them at a bar near the theatre. I was really sure it was a date but now, with the friends thrown into the picture, I'm not sure. Is it just a free ticket being given away? If so, why think of me rather than anyone else? Or, is it backup? A quick dinner beforehand and then a plan in place in case it's awkward? If not, skip the bar and go straight to the theatre? Are we sitting together separately from everyone else? Nobody goes on a dating website to make friends, do they?

My question is, what do I wear that makes me look hot and not fat? Please note that I don't equate the two. I know others are different but personally, I've always had days when I've felt hot even at my heaviest. Mind you, they are coming a lot more often now!

My crisis is compounded by the fact that I weighed myself this morning - 89.2kg. How can I have gained a whole kg since Tuesday i.e. in 3 days?! This completely sucks. I was glaring at the weighing machine this morning screaming inside, no - you're supposed to go the other way!

I need to recover lost ground hence coming home from work rather than going to what looks like an amazing party some friends are throwing tonight. I'm going to bed in the next 10 minutes with a view of catching up on lost sleep tonight. Tomorrow morning = the gym. Hopefully I'll be able to do some manic running there that makes me feel better about myself.

How sad that my Friday night is the one that (by about 4 hours) I go to sleep the earliest this week? All weeknights were 3am. Friday night, in bed by 11pm. What can I say? I'm very rock and roll...


Kathleen said...

Here's my Old Married Woman for the future. Put up a flattering picture that shows you hot and as you are. Then you won't have the stress of worrying about all this. I got married before online dating took off, so I never had to worry about it -- but I find the subject interesting, so I've read a lot, even from a male perspective.

Kathleen said...

Old Married Woman advice -- sorry for the mistake. :-)