I can't...

...post right now. I know I said I'd post every day and it's now been three days. I also was supposed to weigh in every Sunday morning but I completely forgot when I woke up today as I was so focused on getting to my 9 am class (on a Sunday morning!) on time.

Exercise? I went to the gym on Friday.

Food? I've been eating - mostly good stuff but some absolute crap as well. Carrot cake today. Portuguese pastry today. Lots of chocolate rolls last night. Why does eating (surely one of the most natural activities) have to involve so much drama, scrutiny and thinking?

I have no idea what I weigh at the moment - I'm guessing between 87kg and 90kg.

At present, I am:

- working full time at a job that I (most of the time) love

- organising a conference for a grassroots network to which I belong

- learning another language

- helping to organise an awards ceremony for this charity for which I'm volunteering my time

- back into taking singing classes - today was a 6 hour extravaganza (hence the 7am wake up for 9am class)

- applying for a fellowship

- applying for jobs

- applying for citizenship

- trying to talk to my family on the phone

- trying to see my friends once a week (I can't believe my life is so busy that I socialise and relax only one evening a week - usually to which I'm rushing from somewhere else)

- cleaning the bathroom - ;-)

- pretending to try to lose weight

To top it all off, the awards ceremony and the conference are 4 days apart. The fellowship application is due Friday. My classes started yesterday and I have classes Saturday afternoons and 9am-4pm Sunday as well as Monday and Wednesday evenings. I have to somehow find the time to learn an entirely new alphabet.

Amongst all the above, I need to get serious about the weight loss. I love how I look now but I know that I'll love the way the me of the future looks even more. I'm okay - I'm just tired of the last few weeks of staying about the same weight. I need to do something drastic this week to kickstart things.

Thursday = Another Kind of Progress Check

Sunday is my weigh in day to see whether I've lost weight. Thursday is my wearing trousers day to see whether I've lost fat/ flab.

I wore my grey formal trousers today and, I have to tell you, the flab overspill was minimal to say the least; the kind that you would have on normal fitting trousers plus later on in the day, I was able to run a finger around the inside. My back fat (you know the bit you can squeeze in the space between your waist and the band of your bra has now almost completely gone on the left side and getting there on the right side.

I wore my favourite trousers ever yesterday. They're orangey gold with more golden orange stripes running horizontally across - I know they sounds completely hideous but they're very funky in a 1970s way and I absolutely love them. They've been getting looser and looser over the months, to the extent that I can't wear them with a normal length top anymore as they have moved from being around my waist to being around my hips. Well, yesterday I found out that I can no longer wear and walk in them at all without having to hike them up every minute or so. I also pulled them away from my waist and could not believe the amount of space between the trousers and my skin. Did I really used to fill all that space once upon a time? This is brilliant - especially as I can just wear them with a belt from now on and not have to worry that they're around by my ankles.

My double chin is still there but there's just a lot less of it now. Day before yesterday, one of my colleagues asked me if I'd lost weight. I've had friends and family ask me lots of times before - some of them every time they see me for the first time after a couple of weeks - but this was the first time someone at work had noticed. If people whom you see every day think you've lost weight, it means you really have.

It's strange though. When I think of the weight I've lost so far and the places I think I've lost it, I think my back, a bit from my thighs and arms, from my breasts (but not too much, thankfully!), but mostly from my waist and hips. However everyone else notices the face. I can't say that I think I've lost any weight from my face. Yes, my chin(s) are a lot less nowadays but everyone else points to the sides of my face and I don't really see much weight loss from my cheeks.

I have noticed that the okay pictures of me that are taken are, for the first time in a couple of years, outnumbering the bad though. I always thought the bad photos were just the way the light was falling or catching me at a bad time. As I've lost weight though, I've realised that I looked fat in most photos because I actually was fat. It's good to be getting back to a more 'normal' size again and not posing in dread for friends with cameras anymore.

So, in summary, although I've not been losing much weight on the scales the last couple of weeks, the fat is disappearing from various parts of my body week on week. With that in mind, let's not get too hung up on the numbers.

Changes

Today I ate and drank the following:

- 1 plum, 1 pear, 1 peach and red and green grapes for breakfast

- 1 plum, 1 pear, 1 apple, strawberries and 1 peach for my morning smoothie

- 1 goat's cheese sandwich with salad and (gasp!) skinny chips for lunch

- 1 cheese salad sandwich with kettle chips slightly salted crisps

- 1 melted cheese bagel

- 1 46g Aero bar

This is a lot of food for me at the moment but, on the way home when I was on the verge of feeling guilty, I realised that this was completely normal about a year ago. If anything, I would have classed it as a good day. After all, I had plenty of fruit, only 1 cheese bagel and 1 bar of chocolate. It's strange to think that my blowout day nowadays is what I've eaten today whereas if I'd written the list 18 months ago, it would have read as follows:

- 1 bombay potato wrap with kettle chips sea salt and cracked better crisps

- 1 all you can eat buffet (and when I go to an all you can eat buffet, it really is an all the food that I can fit into my stomach buffet)

- 1 piece of chocolate cake (or carrot cake in an attempt to be healthy)

- 1 plate of nachos with guacamole, salsa, sour cream and melted cheese (courtesy of my microwave)

- 1 packet of Maryland triple choc chip cookies

- 1 tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream

I kid you not. Now, this did not happen often but it did happen. I remember weeks where I had a tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream for dinner three nights in a row (this is three tubs, not restraining myself to finishing a tub in 3 sittings). And on one occasion I did have the ice cream as a chaser to a meal of nachos and a packet of cookies.

This is years of bad eating talking. When I was about 13, I used to go out for 'runs' i.e. leave the house with a book, pop by the local shop and spend 1/2 hour sitting on the grass reading and stuffing my face. During my year abroad, dinner would be either a plate of pasta with tomato sauce or a plate of nachos with salsa and melted cheese. Three years ago, there would be days where lunch would be Starbucks muffins, grabbed in 2 minutes on my way from one job to another.

No wonder I gained weight. No wonder I am fat right now. So, really, although I feel as if I ate like a pig today, I am making progress. With progress like this, who needs setbacks, right? ;-)

Priorities

Is it possible to have many priorities all of equal importance?

I have my job. My family. My activism. My friends. My weightloss. Which one of these is most important to me me? My family, of course, but after that? My job I have to do and do well. Regardless of what happens in the months to come, the aim of my life is not to be super skinny but rather, to life a meaningful life filled with excitement, adventure and did I mention meaning? So job and activism is important. Without friends, I'd sink into a massive depression and spend my life crying my eyes out. And of course, I need to lose weight. If nothing else, I'm so much happier when I'm eating lots of good food and doing plenty of exercising.

The problem is, I know myself and my tendency to prioritise everything else that I do before me - so work before sleep, friends before rest and family before healthy eating. And that is not good for me. I came to a position a couple of years ago that I was busy working from 8am to 9pm every weekday with 12 hours on Saturday and 5 hours on Sunday plus going out every night until 1am/ 2am/ 3am. It got to the stage that not only was I getting only about 4 hours sleep a night but I also never totally relaxed as I was always going somewhere and always, always with other people (apart from when asleep). Added to which I was consuming buckets of alcohol (always a good plan) and eating whatever I could find. There were days where I survived on Starbucks muffins for lunch because I just didn't have the two minutes to get a proper lunch. And the result of this sleep deprivation, constant working, irregular and unhealthy eating and massive quantities of wine/ gin/ vodka/ beer? My brain just short-circuited and the next thing I knew I was on the floor being told I'd just had a fit. I thought I had brain cancer (!) until the tests said my brain was normal and I was just severely overworked and needed to relax. I vowed then, and it's one that I renew to myself all the time, that I will never go back to a situation where that happens again. And I haven't.

I've come to accept that I can't fill my days more than I already have. Sometimes I have to work late (like the whole of last week). Other times I have to spend my nights attending meetings and planning in pursuit of the cause (like last night). Some nights I have to stay at home and do job applications (like tonight). And there has to be nights that I put all the above to one side and hit the gym and sweat. Above all, there have to be times (occasionally yes, but they do have to exist) where I just get home early and spend the evening cleaning the kitchen (Friday night - boo!), reading and watching TV. Of course, the only time I seem able to relax is when I go home to visit my parents for the weekend - I guess for now, when I'm in London, mopping the floors will have to do.

Seeking An Elusive Goal

I think I'm too impatient. The amount of weight I've lost in the past two weeks is so small as to be insignificant. I'm looking at what I did and I have lost 3.6kg in three weeks and 5.1kg in 4 weeks. That's amazing. I suppose I am losing weight, it's just in chunks. I just need to keep going and not give in - had a creme caramel which my colleague offered me. 116 calories worth of deliciousness. Well worth it, as was the chocolate bar I had last night (my first chocolate for weeks). Can you tell that my period is due soon? ;-)

The plan for the next few days is to try to squeeze in the gym or walking every day and not eat food that I've not prepared myself. Saturday, I was stuck in Hyde Park with no vegetarian food except 1/2 a box of chips (seriously, why don't organisers of events like this cater for vegetarians?). Sunday to pre-empt that situation, I swung by M&S - my Wensleydale and carrot chutney was 520 calories - for a sandwich. Sadly, I had to do the same tonight as I was returning home from work at 10pm not having eaten any dinner. Honestly, instead of shop bought sandwiches, I think it's better to have a couple of slices of pizza! I think preparing food yourself is the key to calorie control - at least then you know it's fresh and without fattening mayo/ salad dressing.

Week #4

Week: Sunday 6th September - Saturday 12th September

1. Walk for 1/2 an hour three times a week. Most definitely yes

2. Gym 4 times a week. Yes!

3. Three alcoholic drinks a week max. One glass of white wine on Sat night

4. 7 hours sleep a night. Most nights save one but caught up on sleep yesterday morning

5. Fruit for breakfast and at least one salad. Yes

6. Drink milk or have some yoghurt every day Probably 6/7

7. Blog every day. Yes

5/7. Okay, I'm getting back into the swing of things after my shocking week the week before

Weight = 87.9kg - all that work and only 200g. I'm sure my last Sunday reading wasn't accurate (I was expecting it to go up not down!) so I've probably lost more than that this week. Let's just see what happens this coming week.

Flashback

I worked Proms in the Park tonight waitressing which meant me essentially wandering around Hyde Park in the glorious sunshine chatting to people and getting and filling their order. For 7 hours. Nonstop. Not having done any in about 5 years, I'd forgotten the hard work waitressing can be - the stress of trying not to spill pints as you take them over the worst part for me! Anyway, it was lots of fun but my legs are not exhausted. On top of 7 hours of walking continuously and carrying heavy trays, I'd also just spent the 45 mins before that walking briskly to Hyde Park.

So, no gym today but instead, about 6 hours of walking instead. Unfortunately I partially cancelled that out by eating a portion of chips (you think there was anything else at the festival that was vegetarian) and a Mediterranean pasta salad. I've also had a cheese bagel and a cereal bar at home. The above, added to the delicious blackberry, blueberry, melon, peach and red grape smoothie I had in the morning, makes up my food for the day.

An Exciting Friday Night

End of the week from hell - woohoo! I've spent the whole time looking at budgets for the next three years and it's so good to be finally done. And, do you want to know what I did when it was all over?

I went to the supermarket and bought lots of lovely fruit and vegetables, went for Body Balance class and then came home and... cleaned. I swept and mopped the kitchen floor, spritzed the stove, swept and mopped my bedroom floor and went through all the bits of paper flying around the room, threw half of them and sorted through the rest. Ah, when I think that just a short time ago my life was filled with hedonism and stumbling home at 5am, waking up for work still a bit tipsy and falling over putting on my shoes (I always had sobered up by the time I actually got to work!).

I'm giving up my nights out in favour of waking up and going to the gym the next morning. It's fine for now but I can't wait until I've lost this weight, can ease up a bit and get my Friday and Saturday nights out dancing back again.

Oh, and today wasn't a great food day. Apple, orange, blueberries and fig, date and grains yoghurt for breakfast. I spent the whole day in training where lunch and biscuits were rampant - 6 1/2 sandwiches for lunch and 6 biscuits (4 Maryland cookies and 2 Oreos). After I came home, I had 3 cereal bars and raisins. This doesn't seem like a very nutritious day at all, but considering what I've been eating the rest of the week, I'm not too bothered.

The plan was to go shopping then running before Body Balance today but by the time I left work, I had time for only either shopping or running before my class. There's no way I'll be able to get to the shops so I thought the food was more pressing.

Today makes it 4 days I've been to the gym this week. Sunday was Body Balance, cross trainer, running and weights. Monday was pilates and aerobic kickboxing. Tuesday was New Body. Today was Body Balance. I've done four days of stretching type things and 3 days of pure cardio and well, New Body. Not bad.

I have an action packed day tomorrow: a day of activism training in the late morning/ early afternoon and then I'm working Proms in the Park (!) from the late afternoon onwards, followed by my friend's birthday party, but I'll try my best to go to the gym beforehand. That means a 8am wake up - which necessitates sleep now.

Argh!

I weighed myself when I got home tonight - 89kg. That's actually more than at the weekend. This is so annoying, especially since I've been to the gym so far 3x this week (and counting!), gone for 2 brisk walks of 1 1/4hrs and 45mins and eaten impeccably healthily (my only weaknesses is a cube of cheese and frying tofu in oil). Fingers crossed it's because I weighed myself at night. Let's see what the weighing machine says in the morning.

On the plus side, I've gotten into the habit (3 weeks in a row now) of Thursday morning trying on my pair of size 16 gray formal trousers. I bought them on 15th August and I could only barely get them over my hips and had to really suck it in to do up the zip and button. The first Thursday was pretty much the same. The second Thursday, I managed to do up the zip, the button and the four clasps that run from the zip to the waist. I wore those trousers to work for the first time that day and yes, there was a massive bulge of flesh over the top that I managed to hide with a flowing dress over the top and yes, halfway through the day, I undid the top couple of clasps and the button so it would be more comfortable and the fat wouldn't bulge out so much, but I felt so good that day. Today is the third Thursday so I went to my wardrobe and got out my trousers. They now do up with ease and, although there's still a slight overspill of fat, it's gone down so much. It now looks like a normal amount of fat bulging (if you know what I mean). I'm really looking forward to the fourth Thursday! No bulging and smooth fitting? Dare I hope that there is loose fitting and falling off my hips in the future?!

So, the weighing machine may be being stubborn and not giving me the numbers I want to see, but I know that I am loosing weight - or at least stomach fat! I also noticed significantly less back fat in the mirror this morning.

Part of me wishes I could fastforward to December to see what I look like then. Never fear though, December (and my cousin's big wedding) will come soon enough. No matter what I do until then, I'm not going to be as prepared for it as I want to be but, even how I look now is a massive improvement on the last time I saw my family back home and hopefully, I'll build on all that I've achieved in the months to come.

And, in other news, my two massive deadlines (1 for work and 1 for the work I do voluntarily for this human rights organisation) came, went and was met - apparently, 1 was fantastic and the other excellent. It's strange isn't it, when people say words like that, all of a sudden, it makes the stress, the frustration, the lack of sleep and devoting every waking minute to work somehow worthwhile.

I have a training session tomorrow which lasts from 10am - 4pm. I have some work to do beforehand but I'm definitely leaving as soon as the last session finishes. After being in the office until 7.30/8pm every night, I think I deserve it. The plan is to get my eyebrows threaded (they're in sore need!), buy food at the supermarket, go to the gym (pilates and perhaps run?) then come home, cook dinner and make an inroad into the list of tasks I have for a conference that takes place in October. This is not work but something I do in my spare time.. I'm on the organising committee so to go into our meeting early next having done everything that I said I was going to do!

Over and out for now.

Back Here Again

I had a run of a good few days but of course, it didn't last.

Don't worry! It's not what you thinking. I'm not talking of a massive food binge or lying in bed all day (although that sounds very good to me right now) but rather it being almost 3am and me still being awake having only just finished working. Mind you, I did take a rather long break where I went to a friend's house for dinner (barbecue in her lovely patio) but I finished work at past 7pm, got home at 11pm and have now been working at home for 4 hours.

On the plus side though, I've eaten fruit and salad during the day and then I splurged a bit at the barbecue with a ciabatta, a burger, salad and cheese (what else?). I even had a custard tart thing. It's all good though - a woman cannot live on fruit and veg alone! Even better, I walked to my friend's house which took me about 45 minutes fairly brisk walk, some of it uphill, all of it with a heavy backpack with my laptop and heels inside - 45 mins walk is definitely time to change into flip flops!.

I wish I could write a longer post but my bed is calling and I better answer before I find another answer in the cheese downstairs (seriously, I don't understand this cheese obsession over the past few days. I do love cheese but usually I'm not completely powerless when faced with the craving!

September Wishlist

By 1st October, I want to:

1) Weigh less than 84kg

2) Have started swimming

3) Be able to run 5 miles

A Curious Thing

I can run for miles (can't believe I can type that - how amazing!) or bike for hours but it's only if I do one of the classes at my gym. I remember a few months ago going along to the classes and feeling they weren't intense enough and making the decision that I should choose running on the treadmill/ going on the crosstrainer/ cycling to spending time in class as this would give me more for my time.

It's weird that it's completely the other way around. I'm not saying that I sail through my workout these days but it's definitely easier and I don't have the same sense of whole body ache that I've had for the past three days. It was a complete fluke that prompted me to join the Body Balance class on Sunday but it was so good that I followed it up with pilates and aerobic kickboxing yesterday and the new body class today. Kickboxing and New Body were both working with weights and I can tell in my upper arms but the rest of my body is also a bit sore. So far, I feel it just after class and it's gone by morning.

I think you can become too used to a certain time of exercise. I'm going to try and mix it up from now on and do sessions of the treadmill/ crosstrainer and weights, the stretching classes, the weights classes and the cardio classes.

Today, I ate a bowl of fruit and blackberry, blueberry, plum and grape smoothie for breakfast. leftovers from yesterday's dinner for lunch and salad with a little pasta, spinach, rocket, red cabbage, sundried tomatoes, apple and sugar snap peas for dinner. Snacks were satsumas, an apple and of course, cheese. I seem to be really craving cheese at the moment - difficult to resist! Do you think my body is demanding that I feed it more fat?!

So far, I've been to the gym three times this week - woohoo! I'm going to try to go Friday evening and/ or Saturday morning. I know, I should have better plans for Friday night than going to the gym but I have an action-packed weekend ahead of me and I need some time to do some work and applications that I want to do.

Aching

So, I decided to forego my usual crosstrainer, treadmill and weights routine at the gym today for some classes. This is following on from yesterday's gym session where I did Body Balance followed by crosstrainer, treadmill (4.2 miles baby!) and weights. I started off with pilates with the aim of then hitting my gym routine only for the trainer on reception to start trying persuade me to do their aerobic kickboxing class that was due to start in 10 minutes. I thought - running or kickboxing? Kickboxing won.

I made sure to stretch out afterwards but I'm now a little sore. It was the same yesterday although I was fine today (hopefully I'll be okay tomorrow as well). I think it's the reaction to the Body Balance/ pilates. It's so strange: I can spend 1/2 hour on the crosstrainer/ 45 mins on the bike/ 40 mins on the treadmill really caning it followed by some weights and it's all good but give me an hour of stretching and I really feel it. I think my body has become used to the machines at the gym. From now on, I'm going to also try to work on stretching as well.

Food was good today. Fruit smoothie and fruit salad for breakfast. Lunch was the cracked wheat with onion, parsnip, courgette, tomato, sugar snap peas and swede I made yesterday. I was so hungry in the afternoon even after 3 satsumas so I had another blueberry, apple, grape and plum smoothie. Dinner post gym was cracked wheat with parsnip, onion, courgette, sugar snap peas, tofu (mmm...), tomatoes, swede, onion, spinach and sundried tomatoes - basically lunch but added vegetables. I had a bit of cheese afterwards as well.

I think today was a truly healthy day - fruit, vegetables, protein, carbs, some fat too I'm sure, crazy kickboxing aerobics and pilates. I just need to keep it up...

My body is going to be amazing if this losing weight thing ever finishes!

Week #3

Week: Sunday 30th August - Saturday 5th September

1. Walk for 1/2 an hour three times a week. Once - yesterday returning shoes

2. Gym 4 times a week. 0x - whoops!

3. Three alcoholic drinks a week max. Yes - my crazy work has meant I've not touched alcohol at all

4. 7 hours sleep a night. Hah! I wish.

5. Fruit for breakfast and at least one salad. No - fruit yes but food has been too melted cheese bagel and not enough salad oriented

6. Unlimited fruit and vegetables. Yes but I'm substituting this one, as it's very close to the one above for the below from now on:

6. Drink milk or have some yoghurt every day

7. Blog every day. 5 days

2/7. That's ridiculous but not unexpected. I need to find a way to keep this going even when I'm completely busy.

Weight = 88.1kg - absolutely shocking!

I've gone down 0.3kg. I'm not sure this is right, especially as a couple of days ago I was 89.2kg. I was surprised that I'd gained 1kg in 3 days as even though I hadn't been to the gym and there had been 8 cheese bagels in 4 days (and 1 tiramisu), I had been eating very healthily apart from that. I'd thought I had more leeway than that before gaining 1kg. I guess that perhaps that was an anomaly? Anyway, 0.3kg is only 1/2 lb so I have to do better this week regardless. I'm refining my exercise playlist now while drinking a blackberry, blueberry and strawberry smoothie with ginger and cardamom (mmm...) then it's off to the gym followed by a visit to the shops.

I Did It!

I just came back from my date. I think when going on dates there's a tendency to worry whether they'll like you when really your focus should not be on their reactions to you but whether or not you like them.

The whole day, I've been in a great mood and feeling really attractive. Perhaps it was the deep conditioning treatment I gave my hair today or maybe the fact that I had tons of sleep. When I finally got out of bed today I did a little twirl because I felt so well rested. I've been flirting all day and men have been flirting back. At the shoe shop , I got a 'I don't think I was here when you bought these, I definitely would have remembered you.' At the library where I went afterwards to return and take out books I had lingering glances and conversation from the cool dude who's a librarian there. Hmmm.... I should deep condition my hair more often...

I think I forget sometimes that I do actually love my body. I do want to lose weight and firm up various parts but I'm not someone who hates their thighs/ stomach/ arms/ breasts. My stomach, yes, I'd be happy if there was less of it (!) but I do like the many things that my body can do and how it looks. This has taken me years to come to and despite the many people who've told me how bad I look throughout my life, I'm determined to hold on to it.

Anyway, my solution to the what do I wear on my date crisis was that I went for matching underwear (not that I was planning on anyone seeing that it was matching apart from me!) including a great bra and my skyscraper heels. Oh, and some clothes to go along with that. I wasn't walking around Covent Garden in heels and just underwear, I promise!

The date went well. We had dinner in an Indonesian restaurant and then went to the play. I think the beginning of first dates are always a little awkward but by the end it was going really smoothly. I think a second date is in the offing in a couple of weeks' time after W's holiday - I think it's a bit too early to tell but I'd definitely like to spend more time together and I think they feel the same way as well.

I'm so happy with myself for going ahead and going out on the date. I shouldn't put my life on hold until I get below a certain weight and I shouldn't hesitate to meet people for fear of what they think. Whenever it happens, I always wonder why anyone is interested. I sometimes wonder whether men who come over and chat me up are really thinking, she probably doesn't get many men so she'll be so grateful that she'll be easy. I never think people find me attractive, even when they're telling me that they do.

I think that's all this is the result of years of certain members of my family making me feel completely unattractive. As I said earlier, it's taken me ages to be able to stand firm in terms of the way I feel about myself and it's still so fragile. Every time I go back to India, I'm bombarded with people just letting me know that I'm too dark and too fat.

'If only you'd lose some weight, you'd be almost pretty.'

'When I remember what your mother was like, how can you be her daughter?' [my mother was gorgeous. I've seen photos.]

'You'll never get a husband the way you look now.'

Last time, my grandmother's cousin even asked me 'With your parents as doctors, how come you're so fat?' This was at my grandmother's death ceremony when I'd been nothing but inviting, welcoming and totally lovely to her.

I think part of it might be because I'm usually so happy and am doing really well for myself that people want to take me down a peg or two. Why do they seek pleasure in making other people feel miserable about themselves?

Nervous Excitement

I'm on this dating website. I signed up ages ago and then went on it when a reminder popped up in my inbox. I'm not really gung ho about it - set up a profile and then just answer those who messaged me. I've never done this before and I'm a bit ambivalent about the whole thing. One part of me really wants to meet someone and loves the flirting and the other screams 'no, stay in this lovely cocoon.'

Anyway, there's one person who I've been messaging for a few weeks now who seems really lovely. We have a lot of the same interests - travel, theatre, art and have even been to a few of the same countries. We've been messaging each other pretty much every day.

W messaged me last weekend, asking whether I'd seen the new Almodovar film. An exchange later ended with me saying I wasn't in London for the weekend and getting the reply that it didn't matter, W would wait for me to return. I think that was being asked out! ;-0

I was really torn as to what to answer. On the one hand, I really want to have lost some weight before I start dating people - especially those I've not met before. I just assumed with this dating website that it would take a couple of months before you ended up actually meeting anyone face to face. It's one thing going on a date with someone who's seen you and knows what you look like. I'm just so worried (because my profile photo, naturally, is a good one and I don't look at all overweight in it) that the person I've arranged to meet will take one look at me and think, 'help.' I don't know if I'm overreacting and anyway, who cares what some people who are so shallow as to do that think. You want someone to like you for you right, not necessarily automatically dismiss you because you're 40 pounds overweight? But...

So I was going to message back saying that I was busy, knowing a few weeks holiday was coming up for them (with the hope of losing more weight by then) but got an email this afternoon saying W had a free tickets for the theatre tomorrow night and sorry about the late notice but was I interested? Usually, I'd have plans for Sat night but I've tried to keep this weekend pretty clear - just to relax and finally get to the gym. Before I could think about it (plus it's a play I want to see and it's a free ticket! ;-) ), I replied yes.

So, it's the two of us and some friends. The plan is for the two of us to meet for an early dinner beforehand and then join them at a bar near the theatre. I was really sure it was a date but now, with the friends thrown into the picture, I'm not sure. Is it just a free ticket being given away? If so, why think of me rather than anyone else? Or, is it backup? A quick dinner beforehand and then a plan in place in case it's awkward? If not, skip the bar and go straight to the theatre? Are we sitting together separately from everyone else? Nobody goes on a dating website to make friends, do they?

My question is, what do I wear that makes me look hot and not fat? Please note that I don't equate the two. I know others are different but personally, I've always had days when I've felt hot even at my heaviest. Mind you, they are coming a lot more often now!

My crisis is compounded by the fact that I weighed myself this morning - 89.2kg. How can I have gained a whole kg since Tuesday i.e. in 3 days?! This completely sucks. I was glaring at the weighing machine this morning screaming inside, no - you're supposed to go the other way!

I need to recover lost ground hence coming home from work rather than going to what looks like an amazing party some friends are throwing tonight. I'm going to bed in the next 10 minutes with a view of catching up on lost sleep tonight. Tomorrow morning = the gym. Hopefully I'll be able to do some manic running there that makes me feel better about myself.

How sad that my Friday night is the one that (by about 4 hours) I go to sleep the earliest this week? All weeknights were 3am. Friday night, in bed by 11pm. What can I say? I'm very rock and roll...

Week #2

I've spent the evenings in meetings and then incorporating changes into the draft I prepared last night. I'm so exhausted and falling asleep while I sit here but I'm way behind in posting the Week 2 check in so here goes:

1. Walk for 1/2 an hour three times a week. Once

2. Gym 4 times a week. 3x

3. Three alcoholic drinks a week max. Yes

4. 7 hours sleep a night. Yes

5. Fruit for breakfast and at least one salad. Yes

6. Unlimited fruit and vegetables. Easy yes

7. Blog every day. 6 days

5/7. I'm afraid the downward trend will continue next week with my complete lack of exercise and slipping up slightly in the food section. Not to be helped. It will be arrested in the fourth week, never fear!

Weight = 88.4kg as of Sunday morning

N.B. Weeks run Sunday to Saturday e.g. this blog post reports on 23rd to 29th August. Weekly weigh ins occur on Sundays

With My Spoon in the Tiramisu

Okay, so I know that I shouldn't use food to relieve stress/ boredom/ treat myself but I've just had the most heavy, laden down with work few days.

I have a full time job at a peacebuilding/ conflict resolution charity and when I'm not at work, I do work for two other human rights organisations for which everyone involved works for free. In around this, I try to go to the gym/ take singing lessons/ spend time with friends/ speak to and visit my family.

I returned from my bank holiday weekend on Monday night at 9.30pm into London, after having spent the whole train journey working on one thing after another. After I returned home and unpacked, I had a skype conversation with the director of one of the human rights organisations for which I work for free. We have a project proposal for funding due in on Monday and I was asked to work on a draft. We spoke about the project until about 2am.

I woke up at 7am on Tuesday morning so I could get into work early. A full day of work later (and work is mental at the moment - like all charities we're overworked and understaffed. We've got so much going on at the moment!), I had an evening meeting for the other human rights organisation for which I work for free. I returned home at 10pm (having spoken with my parents on the bus home) and started work on the proposal for the other organisation. Going to bed last night at 3am and woke up at 7am today.

7am start this morning was followed by going early to work, being at my desk or in my manager's office the whole day (apart from a 10 minute fire alarm at 3pm during which time I managed to grab some lunch - while standing outside with my colleagues and getting our names ticked off the list). I then had a 7pm meeting for the other human rights organisation to continue planning a conference we're organising in October. The meeting finished at 10pm and it was 11pm by the time I got home (having spoken with my parents on the train). Two minute chat with my housemate and then straight to computer.

I've now finished by proposal - yey! Let's just wait and see the comments and changes that need to be made. I predict that there's still a lot more that I'll be asked to do before the Monday deadline!

However, in the meantime, although I got given dinner at the meeting, after returning home, I've eaten two bagels with cheese and just now, I've finished off a gu chocolate and mascarpone tiramisu. The worst is that as soon as I placed the first spoonful in my mouth, I remembered that I don't actually like cofee!

I'm really going to try to go to the gym tomorrow after work. I have someone coming over to my place to induct me into the mysterious ways of our organisational website (this is the organisation for which I was doing the proposal). I really hope that, between the website training and any changes that I need to make, I won't get stuck at home working instead of at the gym running!

Oh dear.... Random eating and no time spent at the gym. Why do I predict that the weighing machine will not be kind come this Sunday?

Please don't take this as a complaining blog post. I love my life and I find great passion and meaning in what I do, which is why I work for two organisations voluntarily in addition to my job and why I've been working 17 hour days for the past 3 days.

2.30am bed time beckons...

1st September 2009

I have a new weighing machine, courtesy of my lovely mother and her eye for a bargain! It gives you your weight and tons of other numbers - BMI, body fat, body fat percentage and water percentage (who knew the percentage of water you have in your body is important?). My plan is to weigh myself once a week (probably more than that truth be told) and do a full set of measurements at the start of every month.

1st September looks like this:

Weight: 88.2 kg aka 194 lb aka 13 st 12lb - yey!

Healthy = 70kg

Not only am I under my goal of 90kg by 1st September but I also seem to have crept under the 14st mark without paying attention. I love measuring my weight using three different systems - it means that in the past week I've broken down the 200lb barrier, gone under 90kg and within 14 st. A girl needs some signs to give her hope!

BMI: 31.6 - eek!

Healthy = 18 - 25

Now, you don't need me to tell you that I am officially obese. However, I take heart in the fact that at the beginning of the year, this figure would be about 36 i.e. severely obese. I guess moving down from severely obese to just plain obese is what I count as progress. Can't wait to be just 'overweight'!

Body fat: 31.9kg

Healthy = depends on the total weight

I have 31.9kg of my body that is just pure fat. I can just imagine all the rolls of fat smothering my internal organs as I type this. I have no idea what it was this time last year but I know that it was worse, for sure.

Body fat percentage: 36.1%

Healthy = 14 - 31%

I'm over 1/3 fat. Not much more I can really say about that except see how near 36% is to 31%! Yes, I know I'm slightly delusional...

Water percentage: 46.6%

Healthy = 50 - 55%

Of all the measurements, I was the most confident of this one. I knew that I wouldn't be in the 'healthy' range for the weight or the fat but I drink tons of water. I usually have 2 pints of liquidised fruit every day as well as countless pints of water. I'm closer to the 'right' body fat percentage than I am to the water percentage. How weird.

If I'm 36.1% fat and 46.6% water, I guess the remaining 17.3 is pure muscle...?

Another 2am bedtime for me I'm afraid. Today's been work, finish work and go to an evening meeting, finish evening meeting and go to the supermarket, come home and start work again, I'm afraid. More of the same tomorrow. No gym (I miss running - never thought I'd think that!) but I'm glad I carved out some minutes to blog.

PS. I just realised that I am now at my just before university weight. I feel helluva sexy right now but I sure didn't then. Strange how much different it feels on the way down than on the way up. Remembering how I felt about my weight back then and given that I'm feeling so good now, I can't wait to get right down to my weight at age 16 (another 10kg to go). I'm sure London will see a lot of hair flicking and meaningful glances at that time...

Overwhelmed!

Argh! I'm looking forward to the week ahead and there's so many things to do for all the different areas of my life. No time to blog right now. I predict that I will be struggling to fit in time to exercise/ shop for healthy food/ sleep properly.

No exercise but the weekend went okay food wise. I think I just have to be in the mindset that my food intake will be a bit more relaxed whenever I go home and just block out those days beforehand so I don't feel bad in retrospect.

I have a lot to blog about this weekend: my new weighing machine, being asked out on a date (still don't know whether to accept or postpone until I look a bit better), my new digital radio which I predict will revolutionise my life (or at least my waking up with its alarm)...

Hopefully tomorrow I'll have more time to write but it's almost 1am now and it's time for bed.