Sunday, 6 September 2009
I Did It!
I just came back from my date. I think when going on dates there's a tendency to worry whether they'll like you when really your focus should not be on their reactions to you but whether or not you like them.
The whole day, I've been in a great mood and feeling really attractive. Perhaps it was the deep conditioning treatment I gave my hair today or maybe the fact that I had tons of sleep. When I finally got out of bed today I did a little twirl because I felt so well rested. I've been flirting all day and men have been flirting back. At the shoe shop , I got a 'I don't think I was here when you bought these, I definitely would have remembered you.' At the library where I went afterwards to return and take out books I had lingering glances and conversation from the cool dude who's a librarian there. Hmmm.... I should deep condition my hair more often...
I think I forget sometimes that I do actually love my body. I do want to lose weight and firm up various parts but I'm not someone who hates their thighs/ stomach/ arms/ breasts. My stomach, yes, I'd be happy if there was less of it (!) but I do like the many things that my body can do and how it looks. This has taken me years to come to and despite the many people who've told me how bad I look throughout my life, I'm determined to hold on to it.
Anyway, my solution to the what do I wear on my date crisis was that I went for matching underwear (not that I was planning on anyone seeing that it was matching apart from me!) including a great bra and my skyscraper heels. Oh, and some clothes to go along with that. I wasn't walking around Covent Garden in heels and just underwear, I promise!
The date went well. We had dinner in an Indonesian restaurant and then went to the play. I think the beginning of first dates are always a little awkward but by the end it was going really smoothly. I think a second date is in the offing in a couple of weeks' time after W's holiday - I think it's a bit too early to tell but I'd definitely like to spend more time together and I think they feel the same way as well.
I'm so happy with myself for going ahead and going out on the date. I shouldn't put my life on hold until I get below a certain weight and I shouldn't hesitate to meet people for fear of what they think. Whenever it happens, I always wonder why anyone is interested. I sometimes wonder whether men who come over and chat me up are really thinking, she probably doesn't get many men so she'll be so grateful that she'll be easy. I never think people find me attractive, even when they're telling me that they do.
I think that's all this is the result of years of certain members of my family making me feel completely unattractive. As I said earlier, it's taken me ages to be able to stand firm in terms of the way I feel about myself and it's still so fragile. Every time I go back to India, I'm bombarded with people just letting me know that I'm too dark and too fat.
'If only you'd lose some weight, you'd be almost pretty.'
'When I remember what your mother was like, how can you be her daughter?' [my mother was gorgeous. I've seen photos.]
'You'll never get a husband the way you look now.'
Last time, my grandmother's cousin even asked me 'With your parents as doctors, how come you're so fat?' This was at my grandmother's death ceremony when I'd been nothing but inviting, welcoming and totally lovely to her.
I think part of it might be because I'm usually so happy and am doing really well for myself that people want to take me down a peg or two. Why do they seek pleasure in making other people feel miserable about themselves?